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Triangulation: What It Is And How to Stop It.
- sestringel
- Mar 2
- 3 min read
Have you ever found yourself stuck in the middle of a conflict you didn’t ask for? Maybe someone said, “Well, Sarah agrees with me that you're being unfair,” or “I'm only telling you this because they were talking about you.”
This common manipulation tactic is called triangulation—when someone brings a third person into a situation to control, manipulate, or avoid direct communication. It often shows up in emotionally abusive relationships and can leave us feeling confused, defensive, or isolated.
I often recognize i's happening by the pit in my stomach or the tightness in my chest. If you’ve felt that too, you’re not alone. The good news? We can learn how to redirect and protect our peace.
What Is Triangulation?
Triangulation happens when one person uses another to deliver messages, stir conflict, or gain power in a relationship. It’s often seen in emotionally abusive dynamics, where clear, direct communication is replaced with manipulation.
Common examples include:
“So-and-so agrees with me that you’re wrong.”
“I’m just passing along what they said about you.”
“Your sister thinks you’re overreacting about this whole situation.”
The goal is usually to divide people, avoid accountability, or make someone doubt their own perspective.
How to Respond to Triangulation
Here’s a step-by-step guide for handling triangulation while staying grounded in your truth:
1. Spot the Tactic
First, recognize when triangulation is happening. If someone mentions another person’s opinion or feelings without that person present, that’s a red flag.
For example:
“Even Sarah thinks you’re being unreasonable.”
“I’m just telling you what they said.”
Remember, healthy communication happens directly, not through a middleman.
2. Redirect to Direct Communication
When someone tries to pull us into a triangle, we can calmly encourage them to speak directly with the other person.
Try saying: “It sounds like you have concerns about Sarah. It might be best to speak with her directly.”
This puts the responsibility back where it belongs—on the person initiating the conflict.
3. Stay Grounded in Your Truth
It’s tempting to defend ourselves when someone uses triangulation against us. But defending only fuels the drama.
Instead, respond with: “I’m not comfortable being in the middle of this. Let’s talk directly if there’s an issue.”
This keeps us out of the triangle while protecting our emotional energy.
4. Protect Your Boundaries
If triangulation feels manipulative or toxic, it’s okay to shut down the conversation entirely.
Set clear limits by saying: “I’d rather not discuss someone who’s not here to share their side.”
This reinforces healthy communication and keeps us from being drawn into unnecessary conflict.
5. Check In with Yourself
Triangulation can trigger anxiety and self-doubt. When it happens, pause, take a deep breath, and remind yourself: I don’t have to stay in the middle. I can choose peace.
Real-Life Example of Triangulation
Imagine this common scenario:
Our husband says, “Your sister thinks you’re overreacting about this whole situation.”
He’s trying to use someone else’s opinion to make us question our own judgment. Instead of defending ourselves, we can respond calmly:
“If my sister has concerns, she can talk to me directly. I’m not going to discuss this through you.”
Later, if we decide to check in with our sister, we can say:
“Hey, my husband mentioned you had some thoughts about what’s been going on. If you ever want to talk about it, please come to me directly.”
This keeps us grounded and prevents the triangle from forming.
Why Triangulation Happens in Abusive Relationships
In emotionally abusive relationships, triangulation is often used to:
Gain control by dividing people
Shift blame to avoid accountability
Create insecurity and self-doubt
Recognizing this tactic is the first step in breaking the cycle.
How to Break Free from Triangulation
Awareness is key. Many of us have experienced triangulation without realizing it. But once we see it for what it is, we can stop participating.
Practice setting boundaries. The more we redirect conversations and stand firm in our truth, the less power triangulation has over us.
Seek support. If triangulation is happening in your marriage, family, or friendships, it can help to talk with someone who understands.
Need Help Navigating Triangulation?
If you’d like support in recognizing and responding to triangulation, let’s connect. You don’t have to navigate this alone.
Schedule your free Next Step Strategy Session and start stepping outside the triangle.
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